Do you want to know a secret?

Sometimes, I hate college. 

I hate college for one reason - ironically, the very reason why I should love it. 

College revealed that I know absolutely nothing about my faith, that despite 18 years of missing Sunday School only when I was sick or on vacation, I’ve learned very little. 

That I’ve wasted probably more than 1/5th of my life by being satisfied with being average.

Ever since I was a freshman in high school, I looked forward to college and the independence that it would bring. I didn’t even really care which school I ended up at, just that I would be able to wake up late and live with people my own age once I got there. I wanted so badly to be the person that other people saw in me, the leader that my small group kids respected: the independent, confident, responsible, Godly girl I had pretended to be. I put up such a heavily guarded mask that I could no longer remember my true identity.

That’s why my first quarter at UCLA was so important. I had to prove that I could thrive as a Christian without the comfort of my church or my grade, the way I always thought I could - that I wasn’t part of the statistic of collegians that fell away from God that I had heard about so many times. I had to prove that I wasn’t just an empty shell, that underneath the facade, I still had depth. But as I slowly grew accustomed to living in a new place, I became more and more scared as I realized that I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

“Most of the young people from FCBC don’t know what to believe.”

When someone first told me this, I was furious. How could anyone say that? I loved FCBC. But as my anger subsided and I surrounded myself with Christians not from my church, I started to understand that although the statement may not be completely true, it applied to me. I sure didn’t know what to believe. My wavering faith was even more glaringly obvious when I looked at the students in the fellowships I attended at UCLA and saw the passion that they had for Christ that I so clearly lacked. 

Last week, I went to my church’s college retreat. I’ll admit: I always, always go into retreats with ulterior motives -  because I want to stay in the FCBC loop, catch up with my grade, play board games, be around a boy, you name it. This retreat was a little different. Although I did not go because I thought that my faith would be impacted, I went hoping to figure out why I had no real spiritual foundation.

I know what you’re expecting me to say - 1. This retreat was different, 2. I was deeply touched by the messages, 3. the speaker was amazing, and 4. I left a changed person. blah blah blah. 

But I’m not going to. Those four sentences were statements I had uttered many times before after the countess retreats I had attended prior to this past one. And even though I believed them when I said them, nothing had changed in my life when I returned home. Why?

I realized that before I got to college, I had always accepted what the speakers told me as true. I allowed myself to be blown out of my mind every time a speaker mentioned something I had never heard before or introduced a completely new and different idea. I was lazy, simply accepting the beliefs of the speakers I heard as my own. And every time I went on a retreat, I altered my opinion and my faith. My wishy-washy faith had nothing to do with the church I attended. It had everything to do with me. I had started to believe in speakers and pastors instead of God, grounding my faith in sermons and conversations instead of the Bible. 

The thing is, it doesn’t work. Man is flawed. Retreat speakers are flawed. When the people I listened to started telling me ideas and beliefs that conflicted with each other, I got confused. I started to doubt the existence of God. 

I’m still learning. But I realize now that every Christian is different. Yes, I should listen to what the people around me have to say. It’s great to hear a wide array of opinions. But it’s okay to disagree with a speaker. It’s okay to believe or not believe in predestination. It’s okay to be different. Ultimately, I need to dive into the Word and decide for myself what I believe. I need to build my foundation upon Christ, on rock instead of sand. 

So I’m not going to write a post about the things I learned from the speaker last week. At least not until I’ve gone over my notes multiple times and searched my Bible. 

Note: I just realized how long this is….. I’ll be very impressed if you actually read this entire post….

11 notes
Posted on Wednesday, 4 January
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  1. aquestionablefaith said: In the same boat. You’re right. College sucks like that, but it’s also good.
  2. chewchewtrain posted this
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