SHALOM.

Aimee, this was not easy to write.  Hahaha. 

I started this post with the intention of expressing my delight that junior year is over.  Maybe list some of the accomplishments I was able to achieve.  However, as of now, that post eludes me.

Yesterday marked the end of my junior year, the completion of 3/4^ths of my time in high school.  

I don’t think it has really hit me yet.  Even now, as I am sitting here typing these words, I am checking the clock, hoping that I will be able to wake up tomorrow.  I am wondering if I’ve completed all of my homework; if I programmed the coffee machine correctly.  And then – and then, I realize that…wait, I’m done.  I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow; I certainly don’t need to do any homework.

This morning, I realized that I was not a morning person.  I sat through 2 hours of AP Bio, attempting and failing to study for Spanish.  I finished the Spanish final within thirty minutes.  I wandered the halls visiting my former English teachers.  I returned to Spanish to watch videonovelas.  I thought of 6^th period Cornelison students and laughed.   I nearly fell asleep.  I stared at the clock.  I signed yearbooks.  I wondered why two hours seems like such a long period of time.  And finally, finally at 12:30, my 180^th day of junior year came to a close.

At this point, I should probably say something meaningful about junior year; something about how, because of the challenges I faced, I became a better person.  However, no singular event comes to mind. 

Junior year is…hazy.  It’s a blur – a blur of hard work, late nights, outlines, projects, essays, and exams.  I can’t pinpoint the difficulty of this year to one cause.  I can only say that it is a combination of all sorts of things.

I wish I could say that junior year made me a better person, that I’m happy I had to experience it.  I wish I could say that junior year helped me to grow as a person, that it was difficult, but manageable.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

The truth, though, the truth is that I hate the person I became during junior year.  I hate how I always wanted to be alone.  I hate how, no matter who I was with, I always felt alone.  I hate how I snapped back at my parents, how I put school above all else.  I hate how I stopped caring about certain things that used to be so important to me, how I put everything in my life on hold the day before a test.  I hate how I had to pretend to be happy when I really just wanted to crawl back into bed and shut the door. 

I hate how I became exactly the person I promised myself I would never become. 

I hate how I allowed myself to put school above God. 

So yes, I have regrets.  Plenty.

I know I can’t do anything about the decisions I made this past year.  I know that it’s foolish to look backwards, impossible to change the past.

I realize that the only thing I can do now is move forward, learn from my many mistakes, and move on.    

And I intend to do just that.       

1. dfkjsalrwes said: as a sixth period cornelison student, i take offense at your delight in my misery
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